dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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