i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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