I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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