I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
