the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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