She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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