to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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