I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
