dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
