Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
