So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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