Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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