Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
