I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
