If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
