So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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