Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
40s are totally the cure
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You don't make any sense
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