I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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