i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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