I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
