You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
