she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
