Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
