someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
