Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize