my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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