My liver just broke up with me...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
