You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
