yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
