Please, let me fuck your mom
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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