we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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