What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
