you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He passed out mid-signature
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
