You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
