I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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