I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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