why do cheetos always look like penises
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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