I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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