whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
