I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
