i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
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