You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
