It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The police scanner is talking about you again....
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize