I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
We smell like vodka and hangover
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