I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
