Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
