First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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