He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
