Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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