I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
