i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize
