Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Fuck appropriateness.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
