I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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