One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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