I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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