Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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