laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
