walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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