My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
