His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
